Lost

My perfectly planned life has now crumbled into pieces.

I never wanted help from anyone because I thought I knew it all. I hate feeling vulnerable and I'm scared that people will change their view on me. Honestly speaking, I wanted to figure out things by myself, even if that failing in the process. But there's a time that I feel unfamilliar shadow that waiting me to pounce when I'm at my weakest.

I feel purposeless. Not knowing that my true purpose is to be myself. I watch others succeed with envy instead  of happiness. I listen to speak instead of truly listening and understand. I rely on others to value me instead of valuing myself.

Now it's time to admit to my failure. I can't do it on my own. Admit to myself that I pushed away the people I love the most. Push them far enough. I burn people with my unkind words and attitude. Fool myself into thinking that what I was doing was actually succeeding but then success means nothing if you don't have anyone to share it with.

It was time to mend the relationship that I broke. Stitching together with apologizes. It was time to defending the knowledge that I don't have and accept the unknown. Know it's okay to not have everything firgured out. Perhaps, I'm only 20.

I will turn my sorrow into motivation. Trying to make something out what I was given. I always look forward to what life could be instead of what it was. Surely, I'm not grateful with my life full of blessing. I always thinking that how it will be if everything fell into the right place instead of being happy with how my life was at the moment. I was so happy in public but so sad in closed door. But now, it's okay. I know now that I don't have everything figured out. That's okay. Admitting is thefirst step in actually having it all together.

My failures made me stronger. And I will try in different path until I find the right one. Figured out things about myself, little by little.

May Allah ease everything.