2018 give a bittersweet memories. There are many things I learn and there many things that I need to reflect especially on my action. I realize something on 2018 that udyme want to start over. There are many regrets. But well, past is past. At least I've learn a lesson, I guess.

I would like to appreciate to my parents, my family and my friends for making my 2018 beautiful. I spend 2018 being happy and content. Although there are ups and downs, I get through it easily. I am someone that are really hard to express my gratitude (my friends told me). I realize I am a shitty person. I don't show my love that someone questions their values in my life. I don't show enough appreciation that someone feels like they being used. 

In 2018, there are many people that are hurting and I am the caused of it. I realize no matter how hard I try to not hurting people, I will always hurting them. I can't control it. Even I do a right thing, someone will end up hurting. I realize that I never be enough for someone or anyone because I keep hurting them and I can't fill their needs. 

In 2018, I start questions my worth. Why people like this and like that. Why people can't see what I see. Why they hurting me and pretend they are the one that hurting? I realize, when someone hurting, most of them tend to hurt people, not intently. But that's how they express their hurt feeling. It's like their reflection on that feelings. Their mind want to protect them from being hurt a lot more. I read somewhere but couldn't remember where. lol. Maybe, I always hurting them without knowing. lol. I always hurting people without knowing.

In 2018, I start to love studying. I guess I really love to study and seek for knowledge. I realize, I become a different person when I seek knowledge which is I like it. And that moment I realize that I am so so so stupid and need to seek knowledge. 

In 2018, I becoming adult. I need to do things on my own. I need to be independent and well prepared for every situations. I realize that if somethings fails that the problems is me. 

There are a lot of things that I've learn and experiences. I find a good friends at college. That friend who take care of me when I'm sick, sad and clumsy. I am so touch with her actions. Thank you. My difficulty at college, only my roommate knows. 

There are many mental breakdown, I cry for days and doesn't sleep at night. I didn't have appetite to it nor do things. Mentally and physically exhausted. The suicide thoughts coming back after a few years. Eventually, I get through it.

I learn that mind are powerful. I need to feed my mind with positive thoughts and read a positive quotes. I should listen more than speak. I realize if I have positive thoughts, everything will go smoothly.

People may think that I am a positive person because I always looks cheerful and didn't cry. But to tell you the truth, my mind is my biggest enemies. Sometimes, I'm scared of what I am thinking but this year, 2018,  I found my way back. Alhamdulillah. May Allah always guide me to the right path.

When we face difficulties, we often feel hopeless and want to give up things. No matter what the problems is, we always 'redha' without doing nothing (or me its just me) and if something happen happened. We missed that when we struggled and we everything went smoothly, there are always a message that Allah send to us. And with that, everything you face, every struggle, you will get through it. Because in that moment, you are not put this world as your priority and you know what Allah wants is best for you. You start to let it go and be open. Honestly, I feel grateful that I can see this. Indeed, We are what we think of Him. I make it good or I make it bad. I choose. That's why the mtind is powerful. The way we think of Him.

In 2018, I grow and gained new experiences. I have many wonderful experiences. I realize that Allah really loves me. Even though how far I run from Him, how many days that I forget about Him and only remember when I need something from Him, He always be there. He don't punish me not ignore me. He put me among good people. I realize that my friends, family and parents are His messaging tools. I don't know how to explain it. But I am so grateful and so touch. I know I don't deserve this love but He give it anyway. He is the merciful.

I meet a lot of great people and not to forget the old people that never leave me with my shitty attitude. We meet by His will. I remember that we talk about Dajjal, Kiamat, basically everything. And that is by His will to. I realize when this happen, it's just that He want to remind us that we too lalai and this worlds is temporary. I am grateful.

I end my 2018, with me being sick and sleep all days. I thought I'm going to die. Serious. I have no energy to walk, to talk, to open my eyes. I start to think about my wrong doings tho. lol. But since its now 2019. I hope that I become better person.

2019 is my new chance to growing up, gained experiences and meets a lot of people, seek knowledge and becoming better. Its might be hard but if I open my eyes, everyone around me is struggle. Everyone struggling. So yeahh

May you 2019 fill with happiness.

Instead of worrying, I hope that you enjoy every little moment and spend time with amazing people even though that's not me. lol