Terima kasih atas sokongan anda!
Kebelakangan ni banyak sangat masalah yang aku hadapi. Well, everyone has problems. I know I was no different.
Sometimes, I feel exhausted and tired with this world. I just want to die. Silently pray for someone to kill me. I know It's wrong but that bad habit it's hard to remove when it's always there. Always accompany you no matter you are alone or not. I don't know since when I have that thought but I know when I'm tired and exhausted or having chest pain, that thought will growing stronger. I almost want to harm myself but alhamdulillah I didn't.
People always thought I'm the most chill person they knew but I don't know why they didn't see me having battle with myself. I wish I can tell to my friends or my family what I feel but seriously, I can't. The fact I know what they will respond because I did give a hint. Perhaps I did tell about this to one of friends but I don't feel like I being myself. I feel fragile and unprotected. I just hate that feeling.
I think that's why I don't get attached to someone. If they walk away, I'm still okay even though they meant so much to me. Guess I'm too good at goodbyes lol.
Although I think about wanting to die, part of me still have a courage to fight it. It's like I have a good and bad thoughts at the same time. I have a battle to choose to give up or fight it. I'm grateful that I do not lose hope.
You know whenever you have bad thoughts, the best way to ignore them is recite Koran or reflect on yourself. I always do that. It's make me relieve. Maybe that's keep me going. That's where the good thoughts come from. I guess.
There's a favorite ayat Koran that I like. That keep me to fight my demons. That keep going when I face hardship.
"And be patient for the decision of your Lord, for indeed you are in Our Eyes"
That's actually beautiful. Every time I read it, I feel touched. This sentence shows that Allah are the decision in this situations. He has my situation covered so just be patient. Even during in my hardship. This sentence appointed that He watched over me. He taking care of me.
Honestly, I never feel I was never enough for everyone. I always thought I'm no one special even my family. I just don't think that I'm worthy. I always left out and that's something I'm good at it. But then, this sentence really give me comfort.
When I feel like nobody care, nobody hear and nobody understand. I read that ayat. Allah knows. Allah knows what I'm going through and is in control that we are able to patient. I find comfort in this. I'm grateful that I realize a little sooner or else I'm not here, alive. Probably give up with my life. Perhaps that's what keep me going.
I feel thankful that Allah show me the right path.